The Garden of Earthly Fights

Rebels are gearing up to attack the military base. A helicopter approaches from the south-west, but the bright sun makes it hard to see. Tanks are deployed to the hills. Most of the civilian vehicles used as support vehicles were destroyed in the last attack, so they've had to use a large dump truck as a troop carrier.

They take up position to meet the enemy head-on, across the field, past Buddleia Hill, over the rockery with its aromatic scents of mint, parsley, and lavender, and onto the vast, hot concrete plateau known as… the patio.

The rebels are a ragtag bunch, which includes Lego figures (a fireman and spaceman called up at the last minute, both clearly enjoying themselves, as seen from their permanent smiles), three Smurfs (one of which has a somewhat impractical football at its feet), a green Matra Rancho, two Playmobil figures (child soldiers), a Stormtrooper covered in plasticine, and the leader of this motley crew - Action Force’s very own Black Major, who is missing an arm.

A giant creature appears and knocks over a group of soldiers, but by some miracle, they're back on their feet in no time. For a few seconds, both commanders stop to stroke Lucy, the 13-year-old tabby from next door. She wanders towards the shed as the distant sound of "Greensleeves" from the ice cream van can be heard. For a second, the commanders look at each other and smile.

Back to the battle! The dark green-camouflaged soldiers are ready and pour out of the back of the Tonka truck. Some are poised to throw grenades, others are snipers, and some are communicating on radios. There are machine gunners, RPGs, and soldiers permanently on the lookout with binoculars seemingly glued to their eyes. Some soldiers are American, and some are German; it's a real mixed bunch.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a barrage of pine cones and gravel rains down upon them! Casualties are high as the Smurfs resort to hand-to-hand combat. Things are getting ugly.

Lego tanks lie in wait, hiding behind clumps of freshly cut grass. The battle is on! A loud voice from above brings a sudden ceasefire. All the soldiers freeze, as do the commanders:

“Er… boys, no gravel on the lawn, please!” shouts Dad from upstairs.

Mum appears with lunch. After all, even the hardiest of soldiers need a break.